Thursday, January 8, 2009

I'M LOSING STRENGTH


I wrote this desperate prayer when I was really, really afraid of something so irrational. I found my fear crippling me that I had to write this:


Oh Lord! I'm losing my strength

I feel faint and about to fade

Lord please give me strength

I have to fight this battle inside

Lord let me not give in to fear

Lord let me face what I refused to face

Lord let me face what I cannot

Lord please give me your strength

I may not emerge victorious

But I need to break free

Help me today Lord

Please let this day end in peace

Give me a calm heart Lord

Give me a mind that rests

Please lift this burden Lord

Please let me sleep in peace tonight

Let me regain what I once had

Please give me strength Lord

Make me strong today

I do not want to break

Let me not go to the edge

For I may fall down

Please Lord give me strength

Monday, December 8, 2008

WHAT HURTS THE MOST


WHAT HURTS THE MOST
By Rascal Flatts


I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....

Sunday, December 7, 2008

WHAT???


Oh my God!!! May mga wrong grammar gida ako. Hehe...typo lang cguro.waahahaha!!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

INSOMIA






INSOMIA
December 1, 2008
7:53 PM


INSOMIA PART 1

Dear Me,

A couple of nights ago, I woke up at around 1 o’clock in the morning. I tried going back to sleep. I read, turned on the lights, turned off the lights, listened to music, if we had milk I would have drank that and I counted from 1 to 1000. Nothing worked. I tried very hard not to think of pressing problems and other worries because I know any slight chance of falling asleep will vanish. God knows how badly I needed rest that night. But escaping the capacity to think is STUPIDITY in capital letters. I think it falls in the same level of committing suicide by holding your breath.

I tried to think of happy thoughts and plans for my future. They usually led to falling asleep and eventually dreaming of what I had imagined. I tried hard but to no avail. I swear with all honesty that at that very moment I was incapable of thinking, imagining or even creating happy thoughts. I was extremely worried for myself. Do you know how it feels when you suddenly realized that you could not come up with a single happy thing? It’s dreadful. I felt I was the biggest cynic, the real Ice Maiden, and the saddest person in the world.


I tried thinking of my experiences when I was in high school. I knew I was happy then. I remembered some things which made me smile for about three seconds and nothing more. I thought of my family, the only thing that keeps me alive. I was frustrated because I thought of how much I miss them and how much I miss home. Then horrible thoughts came. Thoughts which I tried hard for the past year not to tell myself came. I thought about the number of times I missed my supposed-to-be graduation year. No matter what they say and what I tell myself, I can’t help but be disappointed in myself. A number of “what ifs” came. I tried dismissing them.

I thought of school. Then my worries about assignments and other responsibilities came. I tried not to think of it but I found myself planning what to do for the next day. It was not a very relaxing thought.


INSOMIA PART 2
The last thing I thought about was my love life and my friends. In the past, my plan for the future at 1 in the morning usually excites me and warms my heart. This time around, it was a very cold thought. I had three relationships with the opposite sex for my entire short life. They were all failures. I broke up with my first boyfriend because we were still kids. No hard feelings but after our high school graduation he called me a “good manloloko”. Oh yeah! I haven’t forgotten that. My second relationship lasted longer. I thought it was forever but I was stupid. He wanted to break up with me for some unknown reason. I beat him to it and did the break up part. I found out the reason just months ago after 4 or 5 years. My last relationship lasted for almost three years. I felt like I was ion heaven. This is another stupid feeling. He was practicing double jeopardy. Yes double as in he had another girl. If that’s not enough, he had a baby with her and married her. Oh my! That was the final straw. I don’t think I’m very good with relationships.


I’m single and that’s fine. I’m not in a rush. Then I realized there is not one single male I could think of that I could fantasize for my future. Not one single crush in this age is quite abnormal. Do you know what that means? It’s either I’m a lesbian or totally heartless. I was honestly scared to realize I don’t have one single name I can pair with my name when I play FLAMES. I don’t have somebody I’m looking forward to seeing or hearing from. It’s like nothing. It’s a big round hole in a girl’s life. Hell! Even Ugly Betty had a crush. Me? Nobody.

Not having a boyfriend, a partner, or somebody to love me was fine. It was just fine. But not loving somebody or even just admiring somebody for his face, body, hair, brain, wit, intestines, lungs, or teeth is horrible. I realized one thing. I was having tons of problems few years ago. There were failures to face but I was looking forward to waking up every day. Why? Because I wanted to see someone. I had an inspiration. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family but you do know what kind of inspiration this is, do you?

I miss the feeling of searching for a face in the crowd or anticipating the approach of somebody. It’s the feeling of simply admiring without expectations. I miss that feeling. Then I had a glimpse of my bleak future. I am alone. I was destined to be alone.

INSOMIA PART 3

I thought about the friendships in my life. Oh yes! I was destined to be alone. That’s why I have very few friends. Oh sure! I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me. My Friendster account’s got 100 plus friends and I know 90% of them. But friends who choose to stick with me through everything, who bothered to bother me, and stayed without my asking, I’m sorry to say I could not think a single name, except my family of course. But I suppose it is my fault.

I’m not very good with the communication thing. It’s one of my worst abilities. I don’t do small talks, I never know the right words to say. If you want to keep on talking to me and be my friend, then you have to be the most persistent and patient person in the world.

I used to think my old friends will stay or bother to text me or let me know about anything. Well, I guess I was wrong. No, I’m not mad at anyone. Let’s just say I’m not a very good friend to keep. I’m like a bad investment in your life. I’m stubborn, sarcastic, and snob. You can add other alliterations to that. But it’s true. It’s what I am.

I’m not a very interesting person to talk to. I don’t know if anybody can find something interesting or similar in me that they would like to talk to me about it until I grow old. I was destined to be alone.

I’m very good with secrets. However, my friends, even old friends in high school and college, seemed very reluctant to share their secrets with me. I didn’t understand that and I never did even until now. I was that boring.

You know, one of the worst feelings I had was the last Alumni Homecoming that I attended. You know the type, the reunion of old buddies catching up on their lives. I was amazed that my classmates who lived far from each other know the latest gossip about each other. They had secrets. They talked in whispers and laughed. They tried to include me and they thought it was successful. All I wanted at that time was to go home. Papa even wondered why I don’t go out much and see my old friends. If only he knew I was the biggest bore to them. If my old classmates would read this, they’d either be so mad at me for putting them down or they would pity me. But I’m not putting anyone down, it’s just how I feel. It’s nobody’s fault but mine.

So you know, I’m excited about going home but not about the reunion. If I ever said I was then I was lying. I tried connecting with my old friends. A few, very few, responded but only for a day or two.

I have new friends but I don’t know how long before they realize I’m boring. I bet my high school classmates were relieved when we graduated and my college friends were also relieved when I transferred. I was like a good riddance.

Was there anybody in this world who for one crazy moment was fascinated with me? HA? Wishful thinking! Or maybe there was. Hell! I had three boyfriends! But you know what I mean. Is it too much to ask to have one person like me for a lifetime? Darn it! I refused my tears. I never want pity because now I am trying to accept my destiny. It’s pretty hard and heavy but I have to. I was destined to be alone.
I think I fell asleep at around 4 o’clock in the morning. I woke up with dried tears.


I NEED A HUG



I NEED A HUG
November 3, 2008
5:01 PM

Dear Me,
My heart is beating so fast. I’ve been farting for the last two hours. Haha! My mind is in shambles. What have I done today? I hope I did something today. I get this awful feeling that I’ve wasted my time today. As always, when the day starts I ask for the same things over and over again: strength, will and wisdom. I could not remember the day I started this prayer. I just do it every time I’m troubled and have to do something important for the day. “Lord give me strength, will and wisdom. Please Lord please.” Saying this calms me. I know something is wrong when I have the urge to ask for strength, will and wisdom.

I haven’t written personal stuffs for a long time. I’ve been writing something else, something factual, something creative and something not me. I’ve been busy, really, really busy. My mind’s been busy that I’ve forgotten how to write. My life’s been so busy working, studying, and worrying. It’s been so busy that I’ve felt so alone and so unhappy.
When I become stagnant or you might say idle few years ago, I thought about being busy, being visible, and needed by everybody. I thought it would finally make me happy. It didn’t. It just made me a sadder person. You know what I would really, really like right now? A hug. Just a hug. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to be hugged.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

OOOOOPPPSSS

These are old stuff. I just transferred it. I forgot to type the new ones. But I did composed 2 here and I don't know where it is now.Haaayyy!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Yellow Jacket of Ardor(This is mine... bear with it!)


The Yellow Jacket of Ardor
“I don’t know… Maybe this is one of those things, one should never ask. Maybe it’s one of those things with no beginning and no end… Maybe it’s like God, the Alpha and the Omega… … don’t know… don ‘t know why it’s like that… All I know is that they say it’s all in the heart…”
Chapter III
Book of Yellow Jacket of Ardor
If you happen to see a petite and quiet lady across the street then that is Chalance. This is Chalance Intrepid, not the most unusual female on earth but one with the most unusual names. She usually sits on a corner of her bed with a notebook and a pencil. She writes…well, vigorously and passionately. Her bedroom is on the attic of their old house. She writes because of events. She writes when something happens to her. She writes when something happens to the country. She writes when something happens to the world. She writes when something happens to other people. Right now, she writes because something happened to her.
Chalance Intrepid met a person. Maybe it’s a person who would, maybe forever, change her life. Chalance Intrepid always wish for something to happen to her. She wants to get out of her monotonous life. She wakes up at exactly 5:15 in the morning, brushes her teeth, cooks breakfast for the family, eats, takes a bath, puts on her blue uniform, and at exactly 7:25 leaves for work in her old, brown VW. She arrives at the office with two stacks of paper to finish. She finishes at 4 in the afternoon, goes to a nearby grocery store, buy what’s missing in the house and at 4:45 goes home. She arrives with an over cheerful smile on her face, kisses the two old people on their porch, unpacks, changes clothes, cleans house, washes clothes, cooks dinner, watches television, eat, read a few, writes anything, and sleeps at exactly 10:15 in the evening. Everyday it’s like this. Everyday of her life it is like this. Except on Sundays, where she doesn’t have to go to work. On Sundays, Chalance cleans and trims the garden and takes her old bicycle to a park nearby and drives all by herself.
What if it will never come… I thought they said ‘There’s always that ONE who will certainly arrive’… What if it wouldn’t come for me?
…what if it already did?”
Chapter V
Book of Yellow Jacket of Ardor
One Sunday, Chalance Intrepid went to the park. She sat on one abandoned tree to refresh herself. As usual, Chalance stares blankly at the park when she noticed a man about her age (she’s 28) jogging with a black Labrador. Chalance seldom notices anything. There must be something special about this to her. Suddenly, the man disappeared and Chalance shrugged her shoulders and continued staring at the trees. She felt a strong tug at her big shirt. She’s not the shrieking type so she just gave a soft, surprise gasp at the dog tugging her shirt. Then the jogging man appeared and sharply said “Hale, stop it!”. The dog immediately let go of her shirt and went to his master. The jogging man bowed slightly and spoke. “My apologies Miss, my dog’s a little overwhelmed to know you.” Chalance just said, “It’s ok.” The jogging man extended his hand and said, “I’m Mark James.” She took it and said, “Hi.” The man said, “Mind if I sit here for a while? What about you? What’s your name?” She consciously said, “Um no, it’s alright. I’m Chalance Intrepid.” Mark looked at her curiously and said, “I didn’t get that.” She spelled it for him ad said, “I like your dog’s name.” Mark patted the Labrador and said, “Hale. It means strong. Just like my boy.” The dog wagged its tail. “Just like my name”, Chalance blurted out. Mark said, “What?” “I said just like my name. It’s from a word. It’s supposed to be nonchalance, which means casual. But I am not casual, so they made it Chalance. And my surname Intrepid, it means fearless.” Mark just smiled and said, “Interesting.” Then something sounded like a small buzz. It turned out to be Mark’s phone. He took it from the pocket of his jogging pants, stood up and said, “Well, I go to go… Will I see you here next Sunday?” She shyly said, “Maybe.” Mark said, “Good.” Then he reached into his pocket and amazingly took out a pen, took her left hand and wrote 62599387. He smiled and said, “If I’m not here on Sunday, call me, please.” Then he left.
“There are different shades of cowardice…sometimes they’re inescapable…you want to get out…you always know there is a way…
…But you just can’t…”
Chapter VII
Book of Yellow Jacket of Ardor
Next Sunday, Chalance made it to the park but after two hours of pretending to stare at the trees, Mark didn’t make it. Although hope wasn’t lost, Chalance was extremely upset and disappointed. She went home and did her usual chores. At 9:30 in the evening, up in her room, Chalance stared longingly at the phone in the corner of her bed. She repeatedly said, “62599387”. She had memorized Mark’s phone. It was almost 10:15 but Chalance never made the call. Every night it would always happen but Chalance never made an attempt. One Saturday evening, Chalance said to herself, “What’s an Intrepid for?” Then she lifted the phone, dialed 62599387 and let it rung three times. Something clicked and a voice said, “Hello?” It was Mark. But Chalance never said a word, she just opened and closed her mouth and suddenly she put down the phone. It was almost 10 o’clock. She took her notebook and pencil and started her book, “Book of Yellow Jacket of Ardor”. She started her first lines “Yellow Jacket, there are several varieties of bright yellow of social wasps. Yellow is my cowardice. Yellow defies the fearlessness of my soul. This is my ardor. This is my love.”
And Chalance Intrepid’s life was always, as always, and will ever be the same. 08/30/05 03:45 pm