My Road To Healing

Where do broken hearts go? oh yes, they go home. I don't need to say all the details most people would love to hear about. The point is I was hurt, I am still hurting and I guess he was also hurt. I realized three things about this episode in my life. First, I realized I am now a member of those people who had been through this hurt. Second, I found out I am capable of forgiving a person no matter how much the pain and how regretful the long years had been. THird, I realized I have a big heart. I can be very kind and understanding even in deep pain. I keep repeating the word pain because no matter how much I tell myself and others tell me i still feel the pain. It is not easy throwing almost three years in my life. Yes I did cry. No not the snuff stuff. I cried big time. I cried in front of my parents because it was too painful to hide it. Where do broken hearts go? They go home to the ones who never stopped loving them- their family. While I was crying in my father's arms, he told me to let it go, a better person person is more worth of me and the thing that kept me thinking was he said, God must have a different plan for me. God is a funny guy with a funny timing. The timing was perfect, I broke down on holiday season. The reality and the pain started sinking into my heart and into my head on NEw Year's Eve. I wanted to hide the pain from everyone but I could not. I just could not. It's too heavy for me to hold, I had to unload it. I broke down and cried and cried and cried in front of my parents. I told them haltingly what happened. Then they told me what to them. It's a funny life. Papa told me while I am crying that it's ok to cry but as you cry you will realize God must be laughing right now. God must be thinking that "No, no, that's not the one for you. I just had to let him pass because you have to feel the love and the pain, because you have to grow and because you have to be ready for the right one." Gradually I accepted the truth. There are some things I still don't understand but I am accepting it. I forgiven him. I am not a hateful person. No, I am not too kind, merely human and I understand the heart. Everyday the pain is there but I know one day it will only be a very nice memory and very nice part of my life. No, I am not ready for another relationship, I don't want a rebound. I pity the next person. I want to have the right one next time, if ever there will be the next time. But why not, I am 22, I'm young, I'm smart and I'm beautiful. Everyday I pray that the bitterness would one be completely one. The wound is still fresh but time heals all wounds. Everyday I pray that one day I will look at certain places not with controlled tears but with a fond smile. Everyday I pray that may God help me open up my heart again. I am afraid for myself, I am afraid I'm gonna close my heart. I am afraid to love again yet I am also afraid not to love again. I am on a road to healing. I busy myself everyday hoping to wash away the pain. I know that time will come. I'm eager for it. This a strengthening experience. I know I will be a better and stronger person. I guess it's thank you for breaking my heart, you make a better woman. As Mama quoted "It's better to have love and lost than not to have love at all."