INSOMIA

INSOMIA
December 1, 2008
7:53 PM

INSOMIA PART 1

Dear Me,

A couple of nights ago, I woke up at around 1 o’clock in the morning. I tried going back to sleep. I read, turned on the lights, turned off the lights, listened to music, if we had milk I would have drank that and I counted from 1 to 1000. Nothing worked. I tried very hard not to think of pressing problems and other worries because I know any slight chance of falling asleep will vanish. God knows how badly I needed rest that night. But escaping the capacity to think is STUPIDITY in capital letters. I think it falls in the same level of committing suicide by holding your breath.

I tried to think of happy thoughts and plans for my future. They usually led to falling asleep and eventually dreaming of what I had imagined. I tried hard but to no avail. I swear with all honesty that at that very moment I was incapable of thinking, imagining or even creating happy thoughts. I was extremely worried for myself. Do you know how it feels when you suddenly realized that you could not come up with a single happy thing? It’s dreadful. I felt I was the biggest cynic, the real Ice Maiden, and the saddest person in the world.

I tried thinking of my experiences when I was in high school. I knew I was happy then. I remembered some things which made me smile for about three seconds and nothing more. I thought of my family, the only thing that keeps me alive. I was frustrated because I thought of how much I miss them and how much I miss home. Then horrible thoughts came. Thoughts which I tried hard for the past year not to tell myself came. I thought about the number of times I missed my supposed-to-be graduation year. No matter what they say and what I tell myself, I can’t help but be disappointed in myself. A number of “what ifs” came. I tried dismissing them.

I thought of school. Then my worries about assignments and other responsibilities came. I tried not to think of it but I found myself planning what to do for the next day. It was not a very relaxing thought.

INSOMIA PART 2

The last thing I thought about was my love life and my friends. In the past, my plan for the future at 1 in the morning usually excites me and warms my heart. This time around, it was a very cold thought. I had three relationships with the opposite sex for my entire short life. They were all failures. I broke up with my first boyfriend because we were still kids. No hard feelings but after our high school graduation he called me a “good manloloko”. Oh yeah! I haven’t forgotten that. My second relationship lasted longer. I thought it was forever but I was stupid. He wanted to break up with me for some unknown reason. I beat him to it and did the break up part. I found out the reason just months ago after 4 or 5 years. My last relationship lasted for almost three years. I felt like I was ion heaven. This is another stupid feeling. He was practicing double jeopardy. Yes double as in he had another girl. If that’s not enough, he had a baby with her and married her. Oh my! That was the final straw. I don’t think I’m very good with relationships.

I’m single and that’s fine. I’m not in a rush. Then I realized there is not one single male I could think of that I could fantasize for my future. Not one single crush in this age is quite abnormal. Do you know what that means? It’s either I’m a lesbian or totally heartless. I was honestly scared to realize I don’t have one single name I can pair with my name when I play FLAMES. I don’t have somebody I’m looking forward to seeing or hearing from. It’s like nothing. It’s a big round hole in a girl’s life. Hell! Even Ugly Betty had a crush. Me? Nobody.

Not having a boyfriend, a partner, or somebody to love me was fine. It was just fine. But not loving somebody or even just admiring somebody for his face, body, hair, brain, wit, intestines, lungs, or teeth is horrible. I realized one thing. I was having tons of problems few years ago. There were failures to face but I was looking forward to waking up every day. Why? Because I wanted to see someone. I had an inspiration. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family but you do know what kind of inspiration this is, do you?

I miss the feeling of searching for a face in the crowd or anticipating the approach of somebody. It’s the feeling of simply admiring without expectations. I miss that feeling. Then I had a glimpse of my bleak future. I am alone. I was destined to be alone.

INSOMIA PART 3

I thought about the friendships in my life. Oh yes! I was destined to be alone. That’s why I have very few friends. Oh sure! I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me. My Friendster account’s got 100 plus friends and I know 90% of them. But friends who choose to stick with me through everything, who bothered to bother me, and stayed without my asking, I’m sorry to say I could not think a single name, except my family of course. But I suppose it is my fault.

I’m not very good with the communication thing. It’s one of my worst abilities. I don’t do small talks, I never know the right words to say. If you want to keep on talking to me and be my friend, then you have to be the most persistent and patient person in the world.

I used to think my old friends will stay or bother to text me or let me know about anything. Well, I guess I was wrong. No, I’m not mad at anyone. Let’s just say I’m not a very good friend to keep. I’m like a bad investment in your life. I’m stubborn, sarcastic, and snob. You can add other alliterations to that. But it’s true. It’s what I am.

I’m not a very interesting person to talk to. I don’t know if anybody can find something interesting or similar in me that they would like to talk to me about it until I grow old. I was destined to be alone.

I’m very good with secrets. However, my friends, even old friends in high school and college, seemed very reluctant to share their secrets with me. I didn’t understand that and I never did even until now. I was that boring.

You know, one of the worst feelings I had was the last Alumni Homecoming that I attended. You know the type, the reunion of old buddies catching up on their lives. I was amazed that my classmates who lived far from each other know the latest gossip about each other. They had secrets. They talked in whispers and laughed. They tried to include me and they thought it was successful. All I wanted at that time was to go home. Papa even wondered why I don’t go out much and see my old friends. If only he knew I was the biggest bore to them. If my old classmates would read this, they’d either be so mad at me for putting them down or they would pity me. But I’m not putting anyone down, it’s just how I feel. It’s nobody’s fault but mine.

So you know, I’m excited about going home but not about the reunion. If I ever said I was then I was lying. I tried connecting with my old friends. A few, very few, responded but only for a day or two.

I have new friends but I don’t know how long before they realize I’m boring. I bet my high school classmates were relieved when we graduated and my college friends were also relieved when I transferred. I was like a good riddance.

Was there anybody in this world who for one crazy moment was fascinated with me? HA? Wishful thinking! Or maybe there was. Hell! I had three boyfriends! But you know what I mean. Is it too much to ask to have one person like me for a lifetime? Darn it! I refused my tears. I never want pity because now I am trying to accept my destiny. It’s pretty hard and heavy but I have to. I was destined to be alone.

I think I fell asleep at around 4 o’clock in the morning. I woke up with dried tears.